18 Oct

I don’t know about you but I have always had a love/hate relationship with money.

I am not a capitalist. Although, like most people of my age, I was brainwashed to believe you could not have freedom or democracy without it. Then came the dawn and I went in the complete opposite direction, not communism, closer to an Abbie Hoffman, Revolution For the Hell of It, thing.

But if my shrink gave me anything, (she gave me the tools to live the life I have and love now) it was how to leave the world of black and white and embrace the grey.

So what was my grey area with money? Why couldn’t I find it? And even more importantly, why did I have such an intense emotional reaction and feel so threatened by the 1%? Like I’m talking, waking up in the middle of the night feeling like they were going to take everything from me, twirling their moustaches and laughing; threatened? Why, when I’ve had opportunities to be financially solvent, have they all fallen through?

If you know me, you know that regardless of how entrenched my belief system is, if it is making me unhappy I will re-examine it and try to find a different approach.

I am doing this with money. I am doing this with my career.

I am a Dora nominated playwright, and published author. I have no financial security and work minimum wage jobs to make ends meet. Currently I have a great job, with fabulous customers, where I can be myself. I love it more than any job I’ve had and it has really given me a lot of blessing but it’s not what I love more than anything, it’s only part of what I was born to do. And there’s no guarantee that I’ll be able to do it forever. I needed a plan.

My first step was to approach my friend Shaun Proulx, who is an amazing career, financial and life coach, about the Law of Attraction and book a session with him.

Now for those of you who think all this is going to get “woo” let me just say that a lot of the philosophy behind it is not unlike therapy, buddhism or the practice of magick, and it isn’t about taking accountability for everything that has happened to you in your life. It’s about not letting those things keep you stuck in misery.

I walked out of there knowing that things were going to change.

So now I had a philosophy but I also needed some concrete money advice, enter Agnes Kowalski, recommended by my friend Stephanie.

Aggie is a very successful money mindset coach and I find her videos give me a lot of insight. So when she posted a free mini workshop based on the 5 things that can hold you back from making money, I was very interested.

It’s called the Subconscious Smackdown. There are five videos, with 5 topics and questions for each one. If you want to read more about the specifics of the contest check out her FB page.

The first topic was Family. As I listened to the first video “Family” and Aggie speaking about co-dependancy, I had a huge aha moment. Money in my family was used as a substitute for emotional support and nurturing. It was also withheld as a means of rejecting the things that were important to me, that they did not approve of, or as the carrot dangled if I just shut up and behaved like a good little girl. So I rejected their money and have spent my entire life proving that money meant nothing to me. Which is why my money pattern has always been just enough, but never enough to have any real security or I sabotage it so that I am walking the edge between have and homeless.

This was so deeply tied to my identity because it helped me survive my incredibly dysfunctional home.

Afterwards, I felt such release, it was like letting go of the enormous boulder, I had been carrying uphill for decades.

When I answered the questions I also realized that I equate money with my mother. By rejecting the need for lots of money, I will never become her. Having money or prioritizing it equals emotional unavailability, narcissism and little or no empathy for anyone but oneself. My mother had BPD. I gave money the psychological profile of BPD but with the added superpower of changing who I am.

Crazy right? However, because I write dark comedy, I also find it hysterically funny and am going to use these insights in either a one woman show or a story. Thank you Aggie K. Can’t wait to check out Day 2.

#subconscioussmackdown #p2p #moneymindset #aggiek#abundancearmy 


One Response to “Money”

  1. topoet October 18, 2018 at 9:53 am #

    There is no such thing as enough money.

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