If Wishes Were Horses…

29 Jan

If you could have any single wish come true, what would it be? Would it be the ever popular “unlimited wealth”, immortality or incomparable beauty? What about youth?

Let’s say you could wake up tomorrow morning and be 20 again, 20 and never age a day after that?

Of course with the way things are going, does youth matter if there is no future?

So let’s say you wish for the environment to be miraculously… cleaned up. How long would it take before it was completely fucked again? Or would the greedy money addicts fall on their knees and accept Gaia as the one, true goddess?

What would you wish for if you were a billionaire? Would you want to save the world or rule it like Caligula? Do you think there is a weathered wooden sled with peeling paint bearing the name Rosebud in their past, or a diminutive, terminally ill child, that they would wish to heal? I like to think so. I like to believe that everyone has that one thing, that would melt their heart, or tweak their conscience. But it’s getting harder and harder.

I know a lot of peeps that would wish for love. Not just any love, but Hollywood love. Does that even exist? Have any of you had it? Are you experiencing it now?

I have no idea what my wish would be. I think I have forgotten how to dream big. It doesn’t take a lot to make me happy. But right now, even the things that don’t cost anything are disappearing, like customer service, small businesses, affordable housing and politicians who actually represent voters and not just those who donate to their campaigns.

I would wish for all the money in the world to disappear but there would still be those with carrots, to dangle in front of those without.

So how does one escape the wish trope? Is it possible to make a wish that will result in a happy ending? If you come up with one, let me know.

#wish #revolution #writing #drugssexrockandroll #dangergirl #eattherich

What Makes Me Happy

13 Jan

#blackcats #anarchy #jazz #newyork #hardcoreguitar #books #bwmovies #dinosaurs
Black cats.
Guitar virtuosos like Jack White, Jimi Hendrix, Gary Clark Jr, Jimmy Page, Orianthi, The Great Kat, Carlos Santana, Marc Ribot
Buying new sheets. (I just bought a set with rhinos on them)
Hanging out in jazz clubs
Having sword fights with N.
Turning out all the lights and listening to radio plays from the 40’s and 50’s.
Spending hours in art galleries
New York
Coffee table books
Single malt scotch
Finding new books to read
Eating cuisine from everywhere
Watching classic films in bed eating Haagen Dazs salted caramel ice cream.    
Going to plays in untraditional places by artists who produce themselves
Finding other rebels to plot revolution with
Tulips, Freesia, Gardenias, Iris and Narcissus… flowers
All the fun, fluffy, intense, creative, eccentric, loving people in my life
Believing that everything is possible.
Experiencing brand new things
Classical Iranian music
Travelling to places that stretch my comfort zone
Discovering that my comfort zone is huge
Going to Chinatown for foot massage
Being in the present.
Coconut yoghurt with fresh pineapple
Going to concerts
Blowing bubbles
Bach cello solos
cello solos
black clothes
getting a line of dialogue so perfect, I have to drop everything and write it down before I lose even a word of it.
new discoveries about dinosaurs especially when they find a new species.
when something great happens to someone I like
when I discover that I have reached a point of indifference with people I once disliked.
having art created by my friends, on my walls
my apartment
knowing that this list could go on forever.

The Sun Is Out, The Sky Is Blue

6 Jan

I am an unapologetic idealist. I believe, with everything in my being, that it’s within our power to create a world with no hunger, war, disease, homelessness, illiteracy and oppression. And I believe we could accomplish all of this in the same amount of time or less, than it’s taken to turn the world into the pit of despair it has become in the last 3 years.

I’m not saying the world was a box of Godiva’s before that.

If I’ve learned anything, it’s that the only difference between 2015 and 2016 is that I was untouched and unaffected in 2015, whereas for many, the only difference is that now, the hell is out in the open.

The most surprising thing for me, is why so many people are content to ignore this hell, especially when it is obvious that any day it could effect them. Any day, they too, could be homeless, unemployed and targeted.

But this is not a blues song or a lament, it is my line in the sand.

I’ve talked about a lot of things in this blog. I’ve talked about #lawofattraction, #rewritingyourstory #cats #death #writing #moneymindset #solitude #music #mymother and #culturalgrowth. And if you have been following me, you know I’m a solution oriented person because there is always a solution even it means not playing.

In fact, not playing is one of the most effective solutions. And it’s my new game plan, until things really do, get better.

What does that mean for me?

It means walking my talk. It means doing what I believe in, even if it’s doomed to failure because the masses are doing something else. It means not spending my money (as much as is humanly possible) on things that add to the oppression of others and the destruction of the earth. It means voting only for people who genuinely represent what I believe in. It means putting my money where my beliefs are and supporting artists who are hammers, not wallets, giving to animal rescues, and feeding people who are homeless. Not giving in to the anger, fear and hopelessness, the media, including social media, and populism are inundating us with. It means not losing my sense of humour or my belief in magick.

I was trying to figure out what the main difference was between the 60’s and today, in terms of outlook and I realized that the biggest difference was faith that change could come, would come, because it was righteous.

Naive? Who cares. I’ve been on both sides of this perspective and naive is infinitely better than cynical.

We don’t know what the future will bring, all we have are speculations based on our beliefs, what we are fed, and what could happen if nothing changes, or it gets worse.

The only thing I (personally) have control over is my belief system.
I believe we can make life good for everyone. I believe we can be positive without burying our head in the sand. And I believe that if we all threw off our fear of authority and our conditioning we could do it now.

Danger Girl’s Sanctum of Solitude

26 Dec

For the past 6 months I have been spending most of my time alone. I am not sure why exactly, but I seem to crave it. And I should qualify this and say that I do have feline companionship, but cats are very mellow and as long as you are cool with them, they are cool with you.

Of course solitude is always enjoyable when it’s a choice, and often a living hell when it isn’t. And it helps to be a lover of cerebral pursuits and not someone prone to team sports. I suppose “avid about”, would have made my reference to team sports sound less like a chronic illness, but I since that reveals something about myself that I may want to explore later in a short story or as part of a character profile, I’m going to let it stand.

It’ not that I have anything against athletic peeps, I actually admire their discipline, but I think I have spent far too much time detached from my body, to build that type of relationship with it now.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate my body, it’s more like just the place I sleep.

And I do have friends that I love hanging out and having adventures with. Plus my current job is very social, kind of like being a bartender only with food instead.

But there is something incredibly free about having expanses of time that are all mine.

Time that I can do anything I want in, without having to explain, or compromise with anyone. I love to do things that drive most people crazy, like spend an entire day watching movies, or reading. I love to go on youtube and explore it for new and unique music.

My tastes are eclectic, so I love everything from Mongolian Metal (The Hu Band) to Lebanese violin virtuosos (Ara Malikian), Viktoria Modesta, the first pop star with a prosthetic leg, actually many, who uses them, the way Gaga uses costumes.

I recently lost my cat Mick, (I still have his brother Sid) I thought maybe my need to be home was a psychic thing, that I knew somehow that something was going to change, and I was hanging on to what was for as long as I could.

I have no idea if that was true. But because of it, I spent hours snuggled up with Mick on the couch, watching films and old black and white tv shows like Perry Mason, listening to him snore.

I love that we had so much time together. And no, I don’t think I am getting another cat, Sid seems to enjoy being the only cat and I don’t have the heart for it, at least not now. Besides, I still see Mick in fleeting glimpses whenever I spark up a spliff.

I think there are some people who find their soul mates with people, and others, for whatever reasons, with animals. I don’t think it matters which, as long as you are happy.

I had an incredibly, satisfying relationship with smoking for over 36 years, until we parted amicably 15 years ago. It was nobody’s fault, the passion just wasn’t there anymore.

There’s a song from a FredAstaire movie called The Bandwagon, that kind of sums up how I have felt most of my life, even though just like his character in the film, I have lots of amazing people and support. https://youtu.be/Xi94AT72CAc

I don’t know if it’s age, or a benefit of solitude but I have noticed lately that I am more at peace with what is. I am able to let go of things that I have no control over, things that make me unhappy. I still react but I don’t hoard it. And it is no longer necessary for me to be hip to what’s “really” going on and share that hipness, so everyone knows how insightful I am. I’m not perfect, I still go there occasionally, but I no longer live there.

I no longer need a specific community, just the company of individuals who share similar cultural interests. My identity is no longer defined by sexual orientation, nationality, gender, religious beliefs or politics. My art can play anywhere or nowhere.

I am in the last quarter of my life. And although I am 63, I am also 15 and 30 and ageless. Sometimes I look in the mirror and see no changes and other times I am startled that I no longer look like an adolescent. I am not afraid of aging. I am only afraid of being unable to make a living so that I can’t live alone.

For me the only tragedy of age is being forced to live out your remaining years with no privacy. That, and the realization that many things I held to be absolute, are in fact no longer true.

Things change radically when you are no longer aware of them. Kind of like when you haven’t bought Scotch for years and you go to a liquor store to pick up a bottle only to discover the price has quadrupled.

It’s especially disconcerting when those things change in ways that seem to make them less effective or completely inhumane. This is one of the negative things about solitude, it is easy to become out of touch with the present. I call it the Rip Van Winkle effect.

This pretty well wraps up 2018 for me. It has been a pretty introspective year but a good one. I have laid some pretty solid groundwork for a really creative 2019. No spoilers.

See you all in the New Year XO

#blackcats #writing #selfcare





My Community Is Huge

2 Dec

Community is a word that evokes warm feelings of camaraderie and belonging. To be part of a community is like having family, only without having to eat the tomato aspic at Xmas. It is comforting knowing that you all share something important to each and every one of you, whether it’s sexual preference, gender, local, spirituality, ethnic background, skin tone, a proficiency for making bombs out of empty whisky bottles, music… the list is endless.

I have been a part of many communities and at times none, depending on what facet of my being, was being discovered or explored.

Initially I found the experience of being a part of something shared with many, to be everything I was looking for. And then I would develop an interest in something that was outside the community values or I would start to feel suffocated by the rules, politics and outlook and I would drift away, looking for something closer to who I had become.

For a while I thought maybe I was just a loner.

As I get older I find myself craving solitude and only share my spare time with people I connect to, creatively, intellectually and who want to keep growing in all areas of their lives. And I am ruthless in eliminating people who drain my energy or I have to be someone else with. While this may seem cruel, I don’t have 40 or 50 years to play around with anymore, so yes I am being selfish with my last 20.

I think when I was younger, my identity was forged by being specific and now it is defined by removing all restrictions. So instead of being a part of any community, I find community in moments and experiences. Like being in a room filled with strangers all sharing the beauty of a Sufi love song, or talking to a person on the street, who is wearing the same kicks as you, about shoes and life and… Or sharing a look of sheer joy on the Great Wall of China with a little girl and her family.

I don’t know if it’s the times we are living through, the despair, the fear, but for me the communities have become armies complete with labels and slurs for everyone who veers even slightly from their manifestos.

I have empathy for their pain but no desire to enlist. I believe there are many ways to create positive change, just like there are many ways to define community. And one thing that is vitally important for us all to carry with us “no matter what don’t lose your sense of humour, because then the revolution is truly meaningless”.


21 Oct

Part 5 of Agnes Kowalski’s Subconscious Smackdown was the toughest segment. The questions aren’t really any more difficult, but the rationalization is tougher to cut through.

Do I have what it takes to make my dreams come true? The answer is complex because I know exactly what it takes because I have been there. Oh, not all the way, but close enough to know I had the talent and the charisma to go all the way. What I didn’t have was that unshakable belief in myself that you only get from a nurturing, supportive family or ten years with a really good shrink.

One of the most harmful things about growing up with an unhealthy family dynamic is that you develop a set of equally unhealthy survival techniques.

I managed to let go of most of mine except one. It is going to be tough to get rid of because it is so second nature to me because I have been doing it since I was a toddler, but I will never get to where I want to be if I don’t.

When something happens to me that makes me feel so devastated, or hurt or lost, or scared that all I want to do is disappear, I do. I walk away. I start over and live a life that is so incredibly simple and solitary, that I have as much control over it, as anyone possibly can have over their environment.

This does not work. Yes. It works in the sense that for a while you are able to forget what you are walking away from, while you re-establish yourself, but eventually you become haunted by all the things you should have done, should have said, should have been.

What do successful people have that I don’t have or that I suppress? What did I have that I don’t have now?  I am too ready to take no for an answer. I am too ready to walk away from a creative opportunity if it involves competing for it or fighting for it. Energy. And even though I developed my alter ego, Danger Girl, to help me do the things that scared the shit out of me, I am to afraid to take the leap of cutting back on my work hours or find a less demanding job, in order to give me more time to invest in writing my future.

I think it’s likely more simple than that. I think highly successful people don’t live in their head because they are too busy moving forward aligning themselves with their desires and saying yes to everything risky or not that gets them closer to their dreams.

Throughout this Subconscious Smackdown, I have found myself letting go of layers and layers of thoughts, beliefs and behaviours that don’t serve me. I have a plan. It’s going to take a lot of discipline to get rid of some of the things I talked about in this post but writing them down made them seem so undesirable that after I re-read them I found myself getting angry that I ever allowed them to stand in my way. I also found myself feeling excited about the adventures ahead.

I can’t wait to fly.

If you have found any of these posts helpful, check out the Aggie K’s videos for all 5 parts on my FB page or look them up on Youtube.

#subconscioussmackdown #p2p #moneymindset #aggiek#abundancearmy 

Too Me

20 Oct

As you all know at this point, I am taking participating in Agnes Kowalski’s 5 part mini-seminar Subconscious Smackdown. Today I am on part 4, which is all about the stories other people tell about you, that effect your ability to succeed because it is often these very things that are your greatest assets.

In my case most of the “too” stories are told by people I am in a relationship with or my family. According to them, I have been too independent, too strong, too individual, too well adjusted, too decisive, too unreadable too resourceful. And I have been the recipient of a whole lot of “Oh Marcy’s” in that head shaking, tut, tut, tut way.

Strangely I have noticed that I never get any of this from strangers (I talk to strangers), acquaintances, clients, the majority of my friends or the people I am currently working with. I only get, or have received this, from people who benefited more, or felt more secure, if I was compliant.

When I was a child, all of the “toos” were cemented in place by “people don’t like you because you are too…”

Like many people, I did try and become less, of all the too things listed above and it was the worst mistake I have ever made. I learned a lot but it took years to recoup from those lessons. Because all those things that made me “too” have always been the things that made me magick. They are the things that allow me to see the world in ways that no one else does and they make my voice unique.

#subconscioussmackdown #p2p #moneymindset #aggiek#abundancearmy